Valuing Myself

Towards the end of 2023 I decided that in 2024 I will unapologetically value myself both personally and professionally. I knew some pain would come with that because growing pains aren’t always easy to go through. 2023 marked 10 years since mom’s passing. Has it really been that long? It feels like it was just a week ago. My grieving is deeper than I try to let show, though my kids can tell I’m changed and lost a huge part of my being. I’ve become a fraction of a soul it feels like. A complete, unimaginable pain that can only be felt by those that have lost someone so close to them. Because I’ve been so lost in grief people have learned how to manipulate me, use me, walk all over me and mistreat me.

I had rebuilt myself after being a victim of domestic violence and became a survivor. After fleeing with kids, moving and moving and moving again for our safety and well-being, I finally found peace, strength and new beginnings. I was determined and successful. I was healing physically, mentally, spiritually. I found new purpose for myself outside of motherhood. I reconnected and reestablished relationships. I reconnected with my inner artist that I call therapy. I was proud of myself once again, but in a new humble sort of way.

I talked to mom the night before she passed. She had been sick for some time and was tired but excited for a floral exhibit I was preparing for at the first LGBTQ Wedding show after gay weddings were passed into law in California. She was kinda’ loopy, but I figured it was because I had wakened her up when I called. The next morning, I got ‘the call’ and I remember gasping for air like I myself was dying and gasped for air. It was then that I realized she had taken her own life. We later found her brand new bottle of 120 Norco pills empty along with her suicide note. She had told me she was “sick but not flu like sick”, she had already taken the pills the last time I talked to her. Gratefully I was given a chance to tell her I love her one last time at least. Part of my entire being died with mom. Who am I now? How do I survive life and everything it throws at me without her? My daily phone calls on my way to work and all the in between ‘hey mom’ things. They’re in the past, and each day becomes another day further in the past. Every waking day is a battle within me to function.

I have grown tired of being weary, being weak, being mentally lethargic. I’ve lost both parents and have no siblings; however, I have decided to step out of the shadow of grief and let it live within me but not let it overshadow me any longer. This will take time, self-preservation, patience for myself and the people close to me.

Learning to let go of codependency, let’s be real, it’s a BITCH! Especially when you have to create those boundaries with your own adult children.

It’s time. It’s time to create a new chapter in my book of life. It’s time to value myself again.